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  • Lessons in Unprofitability

    This is what I learned

    you start off full of excitement and hope
    finally! something that you believe in!
    finally! something that can help people!
    finally! something… just

    but underneath it all is weeping relief that says
    “finally, I’m gonna be saved”

    This is what I learned

    next, you think it’s about your resume
    not enough volunteer experience?
    not the right kind of schooling?
    is your lived experience enough?
    are you enough?

    but it was never about you
    it was about what they could become
    if they swallowed you whole

    This is what I learned

    you begin to believe, then
    that it must be about family
    it’s not like working corporate
    it’s not like working government
    it’s not at all for profit so
    they want to take care of you
    they want you to belong

    but no matter how much they say
    they can be the kind of family you never had
    the kind of family that you deserve
    they end up being exactly the kind of family
    you ran away from, the kind that threatened you
    with raised voice, burning gaze, clenched first,
    behind-the-back whispers

    This is what I learned

    you begin to lose sense of what’s right
    are you not righteous enough?
    are you not left enough?
    what is your rightful place?
    are you being left behind?

    but it was never about you knowing
    they never told you your rights from the beginning
    what you should be paid or owed or worth to them
    what they’re not allowed to do to you
    that they’re not supposed to make you into part
    of a fresh crop of martyrs for a movement
    they believe they own

    This is what I learned

    after the first time they lie to you, hurt you
    you must save every email,
    screenshot every text exchange,
    record every meeting

    This is what I learned

    build a support network outside of the org
    so if HR does nothing –if there’s no HR at all–
    your support can start planning an exit for you

    This is what I learned

    keep insisting that you only check emails
    and messages during work hours–
    do. not. pick. up.
    don’t let their ghost follow you home

    This is what I learned

    grieve. rage. grieve.
    you loved them.
    you trusted them.

    This is what I learned

    you go back to school,
    or corporate, or government,
    but the heartbreak follows

    This is what I learned

    even if you win the lawsuit,
    the human rights claim,
    the social media campaign–
    you still feel loss

    This is what I learned

    even if you never work again,
    even if you work for yourself,
    even if you go back or try another one,
    you are never the same again

    This is what I learned

    just because it’s called “non-profit”
    doesn’t mean they won’t put the money
    above your life

    This is what I learned

    just because it’s an “industrial complex”
    doesn’t mean it’s not also a simple scam

    This is what I learned

    just because they’re a “charity”
    doesn’t mean they’re your salvation

    —

    Note: My microphone is not working right now, so I’ll be releasing a better audio version in about a month. But I thought it would be nice to offer a poem up in the middle of Patron-only articles.

  • February 2020 Video Recording: Spirituality & Activism

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  • Reminder: Livestream Tonight @ 6pm EST

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  • Creation & Prophecy: The Seed and Fruit of My Healing Justice Work

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  • Update for 2020

    New year, new plans and tiers!

    Basically I’ve come to realize that I can’t keep up with what I originally thought I could give with Kinaban, this Patreon, so I’m gonna finish out all the rewards that were promised to funders under the old system while I usher in the new system of offerings and rewards in the next couple of weeks. Stay tuned, and Gugurang Mabalos/Maraming Salamat to everyone that’s stuck it out so far!

    Love, Lukayo

  • News: Schedule Posting Change

    Due to my ongoing recovery process, Troubleshoot Tuesdays and Fresh Fridays will be updated monthly, indefinitely, unless I get requests from patrons on a specific topic or an art/poetry/song commission. Thanks everybody for your patience!

  • Fresh Friday: To The Waters and the Wild

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  • Welcome to Kinaban, Lukayo’s World and Patreon!

    Kinaban will be updated with the following schedule:

    Musings Monday

    These are blog-style posts that are open to the public and can range on whatever I’m thinking at the time. They will update everyone on how projects are going. These posts will also talk about my uncle, known as Noah Heart, the Wish Whisperer, and the Elders I’m supporting. 

    Troubleshoot Tuesday

    These are posts that are open only to Children of Aldao and beyond. I’ll briefly choose a topic that is a common issue in anti-oppression workshops, or I’ll discuss some of my creative process, and then interact with patrons who respond to the post with their own questions and struggles regarding the topic, or whatever is going on with them creatively or professionally as a workshop facilitator.

    Workshop Wednesday

    These are posts that are open only to Children of Daga and beyond. These posts will have a poster, handout, activity, and/or workshop tutorial regarding anti-oppression-related workshops I’ve facilitated in the past.

    Throwback Thursday

    These are posts that are open to all patrons. These posts will contain previous music, poetry, spoken word, and/or artwork as far back as 2006.

    Fresh Friday

    These are posts that are open to all patrons. These posts will have the latest news of events I’m doing, or will showcase new work I’ve just completed, before it’s shown to the general public.

  • Update: The Return & Spirit Clown

    In short, I’ve spent 2024 focused on receiving healing while updating my vision of what I’d like to offer/share, and undoing the blocks I have on being donated to directly for my work and my fear of putting myself out there.

    So, what are the changes, besides me having more capacity and centered in my purpose?

    1. The Patreon is still up to support my Elders and teachers, but I’ve taken down tiered rewards as I don’t have the capacity to keep up with it. All patrons should have access to all the content from 2018-2023. I will be updating the Patreon with weekly reflections in 2025.
    2. I’ve added a page on Spirit Clown, the play/work I want to share from now on, complete with a Registration Form.
    3. I’ve added a Donate page specifically for compensating me for my work based on a gift economy model.
    4. Lastly, there’s a Newsletter Sign Up Form for folks who wants weekly or monthly updates.

    Thank you so much for everyone who’s stuck it with me, and for all the support you’ve given to me and my communities!

  • Bodywork RPGs

    What’s bodywork?

    When I talk about “bodywork”, I’m not necessarily talking about it as a form of alternative medicine or therapeutic practice, though it can be that for many people (and definitely I’m influenced in that direction due to my training in somatic experience). However, I’m talking about bodywork as a form of nondual animism that rejects the mind-body split and also as a series of personal development techniques to bring your awareness deeper into your body.

    Half the time, we’re going to be working on something called “interoception”, a fancy English/Western term for being able to feel and describe what’s going on inside your body. This “sense” helps you figure out the range of pain and pleasure, different temperatures, itchiness, ticklishness, nervous system reactions, and digestive experiences.

    The other half of the time, we’re simply going to be working with the body by applying body-based practices that we want to encourage more in our life, whether that’s more stretching, or hydration, or deep breathing when we’re anxious.

    I think what I’ve added beyond traditional bodywork is also connecting the body to the land around you, which is similar to the bland concepts  of “cultural ecosystem services”, and is more closely aligned to the radical queer position of “ecosexuality”. Though in many nature-based cultures, this is just the regular way of relating to the interconnected web of non-human beings.

    What’s a roleplaying game (RPG)?

    When I talk about roleplaying games, I’m talking about creating fictional settings and building character roles. The players then act out or narrate what these characters are doing in their fictional settings. This is the main “roleplay” aspect, when you can act or describe a being other than yourself. The “game” part of it is usually played out through a system of rules built on chance, most often the roll of dice. In a lot of games, people want to feel the thrill of winning and the threat of losing, without the high stakes of our “real lives”. This usually means that there’s a mechanic built to simulate those feelings in a “low stakes” environment.

    The story aspect of RPGs is all about creations and imagination. You’re channelling some kind of inspiration or vision that you then articulate into this world. Even if it’s influenced by other fantasy or fictional works, you’re adding something to the world, adding more wonder and adventure. You build connections and learn something new.

    The acting part of RPGs allows you to shapeshift, to learn more about yourself by becoming not-yourself, or usually, your hidden-selves, your forgotten-selves, your rejected-selves. These characters return home to you when you embody them. Something is released and processed.

    Lastly, when we play with luck in RPGs, we’re actually testing ourselves on equanimity– how we can experience joy and grief, triumph and loss, without losing ourselves in the process. It’s practice for what we actually have to navigate in our day-to-day lives.

    So what’s a bodywork RPG?

    The idea is to build stories and games about your body so you can connect deeper into your body and the land around you. Of course we’ll learn some standard interoception grounding techniques to help us feel into our body and find inspiration for our stories, but there will also be a lot of world-building, character creation, and games of chance.

    For example, in HAWAK, each player will create their own world map, a fictional and probably fantastical setting, based on the shape of their body. Perhaps your mouth becomes the Lake of Whirling Winds, and your armpit hair the Sweltering Swamp. Is your navel the Forbidden Well and your ankles the Fragile Hills?

    Next, you create characters– Spirit Champions, in fact, each representing body-based practices you want more of in your life. These characters require a Summoning Circle to enter the game, which always involves doing the practice and then tapping on living human and non-human supports. So, Aquathallia the Naiad’s Summoning Circle involves drinking at least eight ounces of water while sitting beside one living human (other than the player) and a body of water. If a body of water isn’t nearby, a tub or aquarium will do.

    You further grow the story by “embracing Mystery”, where mysterious happenings in your own body are translated into your fantastical setting. Your stiff ankles become “the mysterious statues that appear in the Fragile Hills”. Your low tolerance to heat becomes “the mysterious second sun, the Ruby Titan, that brings about the burning cataclysms”. Your snoring and sleep apnea becomes “the mysterious Wailing Hunt that withers crops in moonlight”. These Mysteries help to grow our curiosity in regards to what happens in our bodies, beyond the duality of “this is good” or “this is bad”.

    Lastly, the game mechanic of the Payaso (Clown) Rolls helps to come to terms with the triumph or loss that embracing mystery brings. This is determined by six-sided dice (d6) and twenty-sided dice (d20), which are then added or subtracted, to come up with a number that represents how your luck has played out. Each Mystery has a level of intensity that is represented by a number from 1-20. That number can be chosen or rolled through a d20. Each Summoning Circle has Buhay (Life Force) represented by at least 1d6, but more are added based on how many beings (human and non-human) are part of the Circle. For example, the Mystery of the Ruby Titan has an intensity level of 15. Aquathallia the Naiad’s Summoning Circle has 3d6 (one d6 for Aquathallia herself, one d6 for the living human in the circle, and a third d6 for the body of water). There’s a chance that rolling 3d6 will meet or beat the level 15 of the Ruby Titan, but unless the player summons other Spirit Champions, this will not be enough dice to even the odds.

    But we then return to the story– whether Aquathallia brings 7 or 18 Buhay (Life Force) towards the Level 15 Ruby Titan, how does that play out? Does rolling a 7 mean that Aquathallia becomes transformed into a flame spirit, until Sirena of the Sea or Salty Santiago can be summoned to assist? Does rolling an 18 mean that Aquathallia douses the second sun but the world has now become flooded (to represent drinking too much without replenishing electrolytes)? The Payaso (Clown) Rolls bring about unexpected change that should be used to explore the story and characters deeper.

    Interested in learning more about bodywork RPGs? Do you want to test out HAWAK with me for the first time? Come out to my free mini-retreat on the weekend of July 29 & 30, 2023.

    Early registration is from now until July 14th: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSd8mVYq21AdazLFyDzZ_S9XaKEdSBLkpG4kDBFpE5YsoW1APQ/viewform

The site will be down Thursday, July 30th from Noon until 4pm EST for webhost transfer and maintenance.

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