This is what I learned

you start off full of excitement and hope
finally! something that you believe in!
finally! something that can help people!
finally! something… just

but underneath it all is weeping relief that says
“finally, I’m gonna be saved”

This is what I learned

next, you think it’s about your resume
not enough volunteer experience?
not the right kind of schooling?
is your lived experience enough?
are you enough?

but it was never about you
it was about what they could become
if they swallowed you whole

This is what I learned

you begin to believe, then
that it must be about family
it’s not like working corporate
it’s not like working government
it’s not at all for profit so
they want to take care of you
they want you to belong

but no matter how much they say
they can be the kind of family you never had
the kind of family that you deserve
they end up being exactly the kind of family
you ran away from, the kind that threatened you
with raised voice, burning gaze, clenched first,
behind-the-back whispers

This is what I learned

you begin to lose sense of what’s right
are you not righteous enough?
are you not left enough?
what is your rightful place?
are you being left behind?

but it was never about you knowing
they never told you your rights from the beginning
what you should be paid or owed or worth to them
what they’re not allowed to do to you
that they’re not supposed to make you into part
of a fresh crop of martyrs for a movement
they believe they own

This is what I learned

after the first time they lie to you, hurt you
you must save every email,
screenshot every text exchange,
record every meeting

This is what I learned

build a support network outside of the org
so if HR does nothing –if there’s no HR at all–
your support can start planning an exit for you

This is what I learned

keep insisting that you only check emails
and messages during work hours–
do. not. pick. up.
don’t let their ghost follow you home

This is what I learned

grieve. rage. grieve.
you loved them.
you trusted them.

This is what I learned

you go back to school,
or corporate, or government,
but the heartbreak follows

This is what I learned

even if you win the lawsuit,
the human rights claim,
the social media campaign–
you still feel loss

This is what I learned

even if you never work again,
even if you work for yourself,
even if you go back or try another one,
you are never the same again

This is what I learned

just because it’s called “non-profit”
doesn’t mean they won’t put the money
above your life

This is what I learned

just because it’s an “industrial complex”
doesn’t mean it’s not also a simple scam

This is what I learned

just because they’re a “charity”
doesn’t mean they’re your salvation

—

Note: My microphone is not working right now, so I’ll be releasing a better audio version in about a month. But I thought it would be nice to offer a poem up in the middle of Patron-only articles.