Category: Fresh Friday

Before the word “trauma” was taken from the Greeks
By the English and brought to
Luzon and Bisayan shores
via American false promises of salvation
My people knew it already
In the stories of creation
I knew it already
In the rhythm of my family’s name

When I listen to these social workers
and doctors and psychiatrists
Speak on their theories of wounding
I sense they cannot begin to imagine
The layers of what being called “Estrella” means.
This colonizing Spanish word,
with my English-Canadian tongue,
I tell people it is the Bikol Bitoon (BEE-TOE-OHN)
with a hard-headed snap
“I am Lukayo Bitoon– it means Trickster Star”.

But what it means is more than just a “star”
What it means is light and heat, loss and rage,
So much emptiness in vast spaces
So much grief in mistakes that can never be undone
So much power and grace reaching through time
What it means is trauma
And so much more than trauma

Bitoon was the youngest grandchild of Languit and Tubigan
Torn asunder into millions upon millions
Of glittering fragments
Torn asunder from misplaced rage,
From a betrayal she had never been a part of
To know Bitoon, to even see a fraction of her,
Above us, shining through what seems like impossible distances,
Is to know trauma and what happens after

Astrology and astronomy have become my love languages
My prayers to my oldest ancestors
My conversations with Bitoon as I lay my head on her lap
The constellation of her hair twinkling around me
Where skeptics see scams and scientists see expanding points
Where warmongers see resources to weaponize
And fortunetellers see portents to monetize

I see my family
And she does not tell me all wounds will heal perfectly
She does not tell me that which is broken apart can
come back together in the end
(She is infinitely growing after all)
She simply exists as a testament to what she has become
And is becoming
As she holds all my pain and joys in the glow of her light

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For Luka

When Bear came to me in a dream,
I felt alone in the world and
abandoned by Creator
Her form seemed like a hulking threat
A silent judgement
Yet she waited till I approached
Night after night
year after year
She was my strength and my balm
To my tears and aches
my joys and hopes
Until I could finally hear the meaning
In her soft and patient gaze
Which was this

By tooth and claw, I make this vow
From heart to heart, for here and now
As long as we both serve Creation
And our people through soul’s vocation
Let our paths be joined together
For time with you is sacred treasure

Bear taught me what it was to love
Not in the way that is splashed
On screens and poured out on
Pages meant to profit
But like a stream that exists for itself
Yet feeds the woods around it
She taught me what it was to serve
Not in the way the two-leggeds have
Stolen their Mother
And traded each other
for gold and greed
But like a tree whose fruit feeds a four-legged
And the four-legged whose life nurtures the tree
Night after night
Year after year
I learned from her
Until I could finally return
Her soft and patient gaze
With my own
That told her

By tooth and claw, I make this vow
From heart to heart, for here and now
As long as we both serve Creation
And our people through soul’s vocation
Let our paths be joined together
For time with you is sacred treasure

So when you came to me, my love
I was not unprepared
Though at first I thought of loving you
Like what is splashed on screens
And poured out on pages
Though at first I thought of serving you
To steal your embrace
For my own greed
Yet you waited through my approaches
Night after night
Year after year
Until I could finally hear
The Wolf’s howl in your eyes
Which told me

By tooth and claw, I make this vow
From heart to heart, for here and now
As long as we both serve Creation
And our people through soul’s vocation
Let our paths be joined together
For time with you is sacred treasure

So when I come to you now, my love
Even when you feel alone in the world and
abandoned by Creator
Even when my form seems like a hulking threat
A silent judgment
I will wait until you approach
Night after night
Year after year
I can be a strength and a balm
To your tears and aches
Your joys and hopes
Until you finally hear the meaning
In my soft and patient gaze
Which is this

By tooth and claw, I make this vow
From heart to heart, for here and now
As long as we both serve Creation
And our people through soul’s vocation
Let our paths be joined together
For time with you is sacred treasure

As we come into this dream of love and service
I thank the Wolf in you for receiving it
I thank the Bear in me for giving it
I thank Creator for never abandoning us
By giving us community and each other

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