Category: Uncategorized

  • Update: The Return & Spirit Clown

    In short, I’ve spent 2024 focused on receiving healing while updating my vision of what I’d like to offer/share, and undoing the blocks I have on being donated to directly for my work and my fear of putting myself out there.

    So, what are the changes, besides me having more capacity and centered in my purpose?

    1. The Patreon is still up to support my Elders and teachers, but I’ve taken down tiered rewards as I don’t have the capacity to keep up with it. All patrons should have access to all the content from 2018-2023. I will be updating the Patreon with weekly reflections in 2025.
    2. I’ve added a page on Spirit Clown, the play/work I want to share from now on, complete with a Registration Form.
    3. I’ve added a Donate page specifically for compensating me for my work based on a gift economy model.
    4. Lastly, there’s a Newsletter Sign Up Form for folks who wants weekly or monthly updates.

    Thank you so much for everyone who’s stuck it with me, and for all the support you’ve given to me and my communities!

  • Bodywork RPGs

    What’s bodywork?

    When I talk about “bodywork”, I’m not necessarily talking about it as a form of alternative medicine or therapeutic practice, though it can be that for many people (and definitely I’m influenced in that direction due to my training in somatic experience). However, I’m talking about bodywork as a form of nondual animism that rejects the mind-body split and also as a series of personal development techniques to bring your awareness deeper into your body.

    Half the time, we’re going to be working on something called “interoception”, a fancy English/Western term for being able to feel and describe what’s going on inside your body. This “sense” helps you figure out the range of pain and pleasure, different temperatures, itchiness, ticklishness, nervous system reactions, and digestive experiences.

    The other half of the time, we’re simply going to be working with the body by applying body-based practices that we want to encourage more in our life, whether that’s more stretching, or hydration, or deep breathing when we’re anxious.

    I think what I’ve added beyond traditional bodywork is also connecting the body to the land around you, which is similar to the bland concepts  of “cultural ecosystem services”, and is more closely aligned to the radical queer position of “ecosexuality”. Though in many nature-based cultures, this is just the regular way of relating to the interconnected web of non-human beings.

    What’s a roleplaying game (RPG)?

    When I talk about roleplaying games, I’m talking about creating fictional settings and building character roles. The players then act out or narrate what these characters are doing in their fictional settings. This is the main “roleplay” aspect, when you can act or describe a being other than yourself. The “game” part of it is usually played out through a system of rules built on chance, most often the roll of dice. In a lot of games, people want to feel the thrill of winning and the threat of losing, without the high stakes of our “real lives”. This usually means that there’s a mechanic built to simulate those feelings in a “low stakes” environment.

    The story aspect of RPGs is all about creations and imagination. You’re channelling some kind of inspiration or vision that you then articulate into this world. Even if it’s influenced by other fantasy or fictional works, you’re adding something to the world, adding more wonder and adventure. You build connections and learn something new.

    The acting part of RPGs allows you to shapeshift, to learn more about yourself by becoming not-yourself, or usually, your hidden-selves, your forgotten-selves, your rejected-selves. These characters return home to you when you embody them. Something is released and processed.

    Lastly, when we play with luck in RPGs, we’re actually testing ourselves on equanimity– how we can experience joy and grief, triumph and loss, without losing ourselves in the process. It’s practice for what we actually have to navigate in our day-to-day lives.

    So what’s a bodywork RPG?

    The idea is to build stories and games about your body so you can connect deeper into your body and the land around you. Of course we’ll learn some standard interoception grounding techniques to help us feel into our body and find inspiration for our stories, but there will also be a lot of world-building, character creation, and games of chance.

    For example, in HAWAK, each player will create their own world map, a fictional and probably fantastical setting, based on the shape of their body. Perhaps your mouth becomes the Lake of Whirling Winds, and your armpit hair the Sweltering Swamp. Is your navel the Forbidden Well and your ankles the Fragile Hills?

    Next, you create characters– Spirit Champions, in fact, each representing body-based practices you want more of in your life. These characters require a Summoning Circle to enter the game, which always involves doing the practice and then tapping on living human and non-human supports. So, Aquathallia the Naiad’s Summoning Circle involves drinking at least eight ounces of water while sitting beside one living human (other than the player) and a body of water. If a body of water isn’t nearby, a tub or aquarium will do.

    You further grow the story by “embracing Mystery”, where mysterious happenings in your own body are translated into your fantastical setting. Your stiff ankles become “the mysterious statues that appear in the Fragile Hills”. Your low tolerance to heat becomes “the mysterious second sun, the Ruby Titan, that brings about the burning cataclysms”. Your snoring and sleep apnea becomes “the mysterious Wailing Hunt that withers crops in moonlight”. These Mysteries help to grow our curiosity in regards to what happens in our bodies, beyond the duality of “this is good” or “this is bad”.

    Lastly, the game mechanic of the Payaso (Clown) Rolls helps to come to terms with the triumph or loss that embracing mystery brings. This is determined by six-sided dice (d6) and twenty-sided dice (d20), which are then added or subtracted, to come up with a number that represents how your luck has played out. Each Mystery has a level of intensity that is represented by a number from 1-20. That number can be chosen or rolled through a d20. Each Summoning Circle has Buhay (Life Force) represented by at least 1d6, but more are added based on how many beings (human and non-human) are part of the Circle. For example, the Mystery of the Ruby Titan has an intensity level of 15. Aquathallia the Naiad’s Summoning Circle has 3d6 (one d6 for Aquathallia herself, one d6 for the living human in the circle, and a third d6 for the body of water). There’s a chance that rolling 3d6 will meet or beat the level 15 of the Ruby Titan, but unless the player summons other Spirit Champions, this will not be enough dice to even the odds.

    But we then return to the story– whether Aquathallia brings 7 or 18 Buhay (Life Force) towards the Level 15 Ruby Titan, how does that play out? Does rolling a 7 mean that Aquathallia becomes transformed into a flame spirit, until Sirena of the Sea or Salty Santiago can be summoned to assist? Does rolling an 18 mean that Aquathallia douses the second sun but the world has now become flooded (to represent drinking too much without replenishing electrolytes)? The Payaso (Clown) Rolls bring about unexpected change that should be used to explore the story and characters deeper.

    Interested in learning more about bodywork RPGs? Do you want to test out HAWAK with me for the first time? Come out to my free mini-retreat on the weekend of July 29 & 30, 2023.

    Early registration is from now until July 14th: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSd8mVYq21AdazLFyDzZ_S9XaKEdSBLkpG4kDBFpE5YsoW1APQ/viewform

  • [PATREON] Update on Patronage Recipients

    Hello lovely Patrons!
    It’s been 2.5 years since the last update, and I appreciate your patience with me as I focused on my health and continued to send your money monthly to the patronage recipients. Here’s some of what your donations were used for by elders, teachers, and healers.
    Nanay Myrna Pula of the T’Boli people (in Southern Philippines) has
    • trained tour guides
    • done ceremonies for her people at Lake Sebu
    • given lectures on T’Boli culture
    • continued building a heritage house and school for elders to teach from
    Image Description: Nanay Myrna doing a ritual with other T’boli people.
    Image Description: Nanay Myrna has part a training for tour guides.
     
    Uncle Noah B. Heart (Efren Estrella Junior) has
    • supported a feeding program in Bataan
    • supported a feeding program in Balatan, Camarines Sur
    • led many prayer and healing circles
    Image Description: A sign with a picture of my Uncle Noah supporting a feeding program, near boxes and bags of food.
     

    A community of elders, teachers, and artists among the Manobo and other indigenous peoples in Kidapawan City, Mindanao, of Southern Philippines has been working to build a healing centre so that more healers can reach community members who cannot access government-funded or privatized healthcare. They’re also working on a training program to teach themselves film making so they can create their own documentaries and take back their narrative as indigenous peoples.

    Here’s an example of a video of some of the people who are taking the training and doing the work.


    Video Description: A short documentary video on a specific type of insect that the Manobo people eat. One of the people narrating is Melchor Umpan Bayawan. The language is in Tagalog.
  • Update: Tentative Return in July 2023

    Though my healing and recovery journey is still at the forefront, I’ve reached enough capacity to tentatively return to maintaining this website, taking on creative and artistic work, and continuing the fundraising campaign on Patreon for my indigenous and Filipino teachers. I will also be introducing new projects, such as my creative and spiritual partnership with Felix Policarpio in the Dupil Collective, my solo workshops on Animist Language Arts, and facilitating Bodywork RPG Retreats.

    I’ll be updating the website in the next week or so with all the new information, including revamping the Patreon, adding a Calendly link to book me for sessions/meetings/performances/workshops, and how to register for upcoming events/workshops.

    Thank you to all who continue to support me, my wellbeing, and my visions! Gugurang Mabalos.

  • Update: On Hiatus During 2022

    For the year 2022, I will be taking a break from making new content or committing to new projects while I focus on my healing and recovery. What this means is that projects I’ve already discussed with folks in 2021 I may still continue to work on, however, any new asks for this year I will need to take a pause. Please enjoy the archived content that can be found on this website, and I appreciate everyone who has shown me so much caring and support throughout all the years I began this journey of sharing and connection.

  • Happy New Year! Update

    There’s so much and so little I can say about the last year, but for now I just want to send you all my love and hope for the new year that’s begun, as well as update you on what’s next for the Kinaban Patreon.

    First, the December article is late, but should be out by the first week or so of January. There won’t be a livestream, it will have a video that’s going to be available for all patrons,  as a gift.

    Secondly, 2021 will have different content than the previous year. It will mostly be me getting back to writing poetry and also trying out writing horoscopes. Folks subscribed to the Patreon will get early and total access to all this content, and then folks not subscribed will have access to some of the content a week or so later, on my website and Facebook. There will still be monthly livestream presentations on the Kinaban Discord server, which is free and open to non-patrons, but patrons can have access to the audio recordings and transcripts if they miss the livestream.

    I’m also looking forward to updating folks on what’s going on for my teachers and elders that 100% of the Patreon money goes to, as well as online retreats that I may be organizing with other collectives and fundraising for (still in the planning/discussion stages right now).

    A heartfelt thank you to everyone who ever has, who continues to, and who is considering supporting this work. Gugurang mabalos!

  • Throwback Thursday: Face It (2011)

    Image Description: On a pink wall there is a mirror with a pink frame. In the mirror there are partial reflections of a door way, green plants, and their shadows. The text on top of the image reads: “face it” and “lukayo.com” and “www.patreon.com/lukayo”.

    Content Warning: abuse, substance abuse, self-harm

    it
    is like
    trying to construct my future
    out of the photos of someone else’s past
    fooling me into thinking the pieces fit
    just because they’re in rectangular blocks
    as if I can really build something here
    outside of the playground of
    rusty abandoned expectations
    and the raw failings of the strangers who raised me
    as long as none of the pictures carry
    my
    own
    face

    it
    is like
    staring into a mirror engraved with the lines
    of his left eye, my features distorted by
    the shape of his pupil
    sclera background and iris-bright
    believing that there’s a ghost of me
    living in his head for keepsake
    cuddling his corpus callosum
    and tickling his medulla oblangata
    till all his thoughts are watermarked with
    my
    own
    face

    it
    is like
    screaming
    in an abandoned park mountaintop at midnight
    face-in-pillow empty nest heartbreak
    1st therapy session
    1st rock concert
    1st triple orgasm
    while phantom ex-lovers demand Scott-Pilgrim-like duels
    and current lovers become disruptor shields
    and a makeshift secret treehouse
    build around the weathered bark of
    my
    own
    face

    it
    is like
    her kisses know all the passwords
    her ears trace confessions in my throat-pulsing moans
    her fingers caressing these weary cheekbones
    and button up nose and whip eye lashes
    and cracked slam-spitting lips
    till I grasp after her touch
    by getting reacquainted with
    my
    own
    face

    it
    is like
    the persistent penny in my pocket
    reminding me to save
    my
    own
    face

    it
    is like
    breathing through the
    bruises of disrespect and the
    hollows of self-neglect
    trying to recognize
    my
    own
    face

    it
    is like
    finally feeling safe enough
    to peel off the designer brand new skin,
    armoured make-up, too cool for you look
    and reveal dreams that live on
    my
    own
    face

    it
    on
    my
    own

    face it

    darling

    I am so sorry
    that I left you behind
    that I gave you away
    that I told you to trust them
    and believe them and obey

    I am so sorry
    that I told you love was sacrifice and pain
    that you were worthless if you
    couldn’t make them stay

    I am so sorry
    I starved you of touch, food, and rest
    because I thought you weren’t good enough yet

    I am so sorry
    that when you were crying
    I drowned you with beer and
    other people’s fists to keep you quiet

    I am so sorry
    I only wrote you lines fit
    for a bit part tragic villain

    I am so sorry
    I told you no one would ever be willing
    to love
    that
    kind of
    face

    it was wrong

    face it

    I was wrong

    I couldn’t see what was right in front of
    my
    own
    face

    it

    is the promise

    that from now on

    no more shaming
    no more denying
    no more punishing
    no more lying
    no more running
    from this reflection that cannot be erased

    this is the promise

    to love on my own

    this is the promise

    to love face-to-face


    Wanna hear the rest of the poem? Better yet, want to commission me to write a poem for you? Click on the link to become a patron. For as little as $1/month you can support healing work among my communities, and the indigenous Elders that mentor me.

    https://www.patreon.com/posts/throwback-face-23322261

  • Workshop Wednesday: Recognizing Privilege

    This basic visual tool for sighted folks is best used for anti-oppression 101 workshops, and can be used as an alternative (or side-by-side) with privilege check-lists, privilege games and gaming analogies, and storytelling/group work activities. I especially like to use the handout Towards Healing All Our Relations / To Equalize Power Among Us by Margo Adair and Sharon Howell (Tools for Change) with this poster.

    I go deeper into the intricacies of teaching the anti-oppressive concept of privilege in my article The P-Word, but I’ll briefly quote relevant parts regarding privilege check-lists below, end with an image description of the poster, and a photo of the original.

    the point of explaining privilege is not to make people feel bad– it’s to realize the secret powers they never knew they had that can be used for the consensual benefit of their friends, loved ones, and communities.

    Whether it’s the White Privilege Knapsack or the Power Flower or PrivilegeWalk/StepForward/Across the Grass, there is a checklist, diagram, or activity out there that lists all the possible privileges people may or may not have. The privilege checklists have become more nuanced, as well, with lists on ableism, transmisogyny, ageism, and neurotypicalism/saneism. Here’s a good list of lists from Not Actually a Liberal.

    Pros:

    For people who have never thought of privilege before or can’t even imagine how they could be privileged, these lists lay it out in clear and concise terms.

    Cons:

    Taken on their own, without a discussion about how these privileges can be used to help others that don’t have them, these lists and activities make people feel angry, guilty, and all sorts of feelings that need to be worked through before they even consider building allyship (or become accomplices) with others.

    The lists lack nuance. They’re pretty one-dimensional, so it’s hard to illustrate how oppressions and privileges can intersect with each other, and how different institutions may enforce different kinds of barriers and oppression. For example, someone who doesn’t have white privilege but is able-bodied may have a completely different interaction with the able-bodied checklist than somebody who is able-bodied and white. Or they may not. Context also matters.

    For folks that have multiple oppressions, having to go through these privilege checklists during a workshop can be really triggering, reminding them of all the painful, humiliating, violent, and exclusionary bullshit they have to go through on a daily basis. Because of this, I would suggest making sure that you bring multiple checklists so that folks choose to read the privilege that they have, a technique taught to me by Jade Pichette, another great anti-oppression facilitator.

    Poster Description

    The background is bright purple. There is a paler purple rectangle that serves as the title of the poster, and then below it is three black squares in a vertical line with pictures in them. To the right of the squares are blocks of white text and aqua blue headers. The title of the poster is “RECOGNIZING PRIVILEGE” with the first word in aqua blue and the second word in black. There is a sub-title in white that reads “learning how we can support others using advantages given to us by unfair systems”. There are two stylized bright purple magnifying glasses that are part of the title, which merge with the rest of the poster. The first black square has a stylized white picture of a lock and a shield/badge overlaid together. The header reads “SAFETY & SECURITY”. The text reads “In certain institutions and spaces, is your safety prioritized? Does the demographic you belong to face less violence than others? Is the majority of institutional leaders from your demographic? Are prisons and police not a major concern? Is exploitation of your demographic from institutions not a regular occurrence?” The second black square has a stylized white key in it. The header reads “INCLUSION & ACCESS”. The text reads “Are you the standard client most services are made for? Are institutional policies built around your needs and you navigate them with ease? Do you find there are a variety of options for your medical, legal, educational, business, domestic, entertainment, spiritual, and romantic needs?” The final black square has a stylized white speech bubble with a smiley face inside. The header reads “DIVERSE POSITIVE MESSAGING”. The text reads “Are people in your demographic represented by the media, politics, and business in a generally positive way? Do you find that new people you meet almost never harbour stereotypes about you so stereotypes don’t bother you? Do you feel you can achieve your dreams without institutional obstacles?” The bottom of the poster has the links “patreon.com/lukayo” and “lukayo.com” in aqua blue.


    Want to have access to the larger full colour updated 2018 poster, the original photograph of the hand-drawn 2016 poster, and other anti-oppression related teaching tools? Click on the link below and subscribe for as little as $3/month. By becoming a patron, you support healing work among my communities, and the indigenous Elders that mentor me.

    https://www.patreon.com/posts/21819455

  • Patreon News: Schedule Posting Change

    Due to my ongoing recovery process, Troubleshoot Tuesdays and Fresh Fridays will be updated monthly, indefinitely, unless I get requests from patrons on a specific topic or an art/poetry/song commission. Thanks everybody for your patience!

  • Musings Monday: Noah Heart

    [Image description: There is a photo in a blue frame. In the photo, there is a brown-skinned man with dark hair, glasses, and a long-sleeved shirt who is praying to an angel statue. The blue frame has the words “NOAH HEART” at the top, “DREAMS” to the left, “WISHES” to the right, and “HEALING” at the bottom.]

    The first time I remember meeting my uncle was when I returned to Philippines with my father, mother, and brother as a nineteen year old. He read my aura and I thought, here was someone in my family that would understand me. I was still too shy to talk to him, but when I returned four years ago, we connected and he gave me valuable advice about our family’s gifts. He is my father’s cousin, and part of the bloodline of Lola Colo, also known as Sabrina Oppiana Estrella, my great-grandmother, and my father and uncle’s shared grandmother. She was an albularyo/village healer in Guinobatan, Bicol, Philippines, and she is the Ancestor that visits me often in dreams and visions to guide me. I recently reconnected with my uncle again this year, and learned of his healing ministry and practice in Makati, Luzon, and other parts of Philippines. I am so proud of the work my uncle is doing in helping people, and I am proud of supporting that work. Here is a written online interview between him and I.

    L: Why are you called Noah Heart, Wish Whisperer and Dream Reader?  

    NH:  No heart is the origin of my name. I was broken , depressed and fueled by revenge until i got into a spiritual group where people like me hoped to get answers in the challenges of life.  I noticed a lot of people asking for the meaning of their dreams on that group. Since childhood, i am aware of my gifts however throughout my life i never really used it to other people but my family. It is a first to share it to that group by interpreting dreams and it started with that then one day suddenly someone overseas asked me to try to heal her mom, to my surprised i received the news that her mom was healed.

    [Image description: The Noah Heart Dream Reader Facebook page with a picture of Jesus Christ –brown eyes, brown hair and beard, pale skin– in a grey-white cloak. Besides the regular Facebook menu options, it also says “5 out of 5” and “Public figure in Makati”.]

    L:  How were you called to be a healer?  

    NH:  God is giving me a message at this point. I also realized this is not mine. It was shared to me by the holy spirit to help people. That is when i transition to being called Noah Heart , Wish whisperer.  I whisper to God and to the holy spirit the wishes of people and with his timing and grace they are helping people in ways not even i expected.

    [Image Description: The Noah Heart Wish Whisperer Facebook Group Cover Page. There is a photo of a smiling brown-skinned man with dark hair and eyes, and green glasses.]

    L:  What are the kinds of healing that you do?  

    NH:  I started with interpreting dreams and praying over for wishes. Mostly spiritual healing like Karma cleansing and Aura healing. Common and severe diseases like arthritis, internal organ problems and many more. Healing is unlimited and does not have boundaries but limited to the will and grace of God.

    [Image Description: A statue representing the cherubim spirit Daryll, who helps with Healing, Wishes, and Blessings. The statue has a round, pale, pinkish head with brown eyes and wavy brown hair. The neck is surrounded by stylized bluish-white feathers.]

    L:  Who are the people that go to you for healing the most? 

    NH: All kinds of people whether they need advice for their emotional and spiritual wellness or whether they have diseases that affects their physique. Men, women, old, young and other sexual orientation as well seeks help. Everyone is welcome and i’m more than willing to help regardless of their state

    [Image Description: A statue representing the cherubim spirit Louie, who helps with Healing, Wishes, and Blessings. The statue has a round, pale, pinkish head with brown eyes and  straight brown hair. The neck is surrounded by stylized bluish-white feathers.]

    L:  How can people support your healing work, in the Philippines and abroad?

    NH: I want to reach as much people as possible. Im fortunate enough to worked with like minded individuals who worked with me to help people. We were able to help a lot and i can only imagine the impact we can put in the society if we have enough funds to start more projects and finally establish a foundation that will guide people to God and help them with their problems in life. I hope that you will be a part of our journey that inspires to make this world a better place. The soon to be foundation is Noah Heart Foundation. Heart that gives.

    [Image Description: Two clear bottles filled with white-ish oil that have labels which read: “Healing Oil” and “Noah Heart”. There are pictures of the cherubims Daryll and Louie on the white labels. The bottles are on a black table and there is a gold statue in the background.]

The site will be down Friday, June 12th from 8pm until Midnight EST for webhost transfer and maintenance.

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