Throwback Thursday: Face It (2011)

Image Description: On a pink wall there is a mirror with a pink frame. In the mirror there are partial reflections of a door way, green plants, and their shadows. The text on top of the image reads: “face it” and “lukayo.com” and “www.patreon.com/lukayo”.

Content Warning: abuse, substance abuse, self-harm

it
is like
trying to construct my future
out of the photos of someone else’s past
fooling me into thinking the pieces fit
just because they’re in rectangular blocks
as if I can really build something here
outside of the playground of
rusty abandoned expectations
and the raw failings of the strangers who raised me
as long as none of the pictures carry
my
own
face

it
is like
staring into a mirror engraved with the lines
of his left eye, my features distorted by
the shape of his pupil
sclera background and iris-bright
believing that there’s a ghost of me
living in his head for keepsake
cuddling his corpus callosum
and tickling his medulla oblangata
till all his thoughts are watermarked with
my
own
face

it
is like
screaming
in an abandoned park mountaintop at midnight
face-in-pillow empty nest heartbreak
1st therapy session
1st rock concert
1st triple orgasm
while phantom ex-lovers demand Scott-Pilgrim-like duels
and current lovers become disruptor shields
and a makeshift secret treehouse
build around the weathered bark of
my
own
face

it
is like
her kisses know all the passwords
her ears trace confessions in my throat-pulsing moans
her fingers caressing these weary cheekbones
and button up nose and whip eye lashes
and cracked slam-spitting lips
till I grasp after her touch
by getting reacquainted with
my
own
face

it
is like
the persistent penny in my pocket
reminding me to save
my
own
face

it
is like
breathing through the
bruises of disrespect and the
hollows of self-neglect
trying to recognize
my
own
face

it
is like
finally feeling safe enough
to peel off the designer brand new skin,
armoured make-up, too cool for you look
and reveal dreams that live on
my
own
face

it
on
my
own

face it

darling

I am so sorry
that I left you behind
that I gave you away
that I told you to trust them
and believe them and obey

I am so sorry
that I told you love was sacrifice and pain
that you were worthless if you
couldn’t make them stay

I am so sorry
I starved you of touch, food, and rest
because I thought you weren’t good enough yet

I am so sorry
that when you were crying
I drowned you with beer and
other people’s fists to keep you quiet

I am so sorry
I only wrote you lines fit
for a bit part tragic villain

I am so sorry
I told you no one would ever be willing
to love
that
kind of
face

it was wrong

face it

I was wrong

I couldn’t see what was right in front of
my
own
face

it

is the promise

that from now on

no more shaming
no more denying
no more punishing
no more lying
no more running
from this reflection that cannot be erased

this is the promise

to love on my own

this is the promise

to love face-to-face


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https://www.patreon.com/posts/throwback-face-23322261